Me, bathed in books.

Just a few pictures of me recently, posing in front of my lovelies. (My books)

My Bald Knight In Dark Brown Skin!

I love this man! That's it --e--

Mr. Fix It and new developments on the homefront.

This is my most precious new thing in the house. This is my picture of my grandpa and my BA degree hanging proudly on our wall. These were the first items to get hung in our house. I love Anthony for caring about the things that are important to me.

Anthony is 6'2" and the old shower head made it very hard for him to shower and I didn't like the way it worked either. He put a new one in for us the other day and I had to take a picture of it working because I am so grateful for him.

Anthony just hung these frames in the living room and I love them. They have random pictures of us in them and he hung them straight as an arrow. I love Anthony's strengths.

I know this isn't a big deal but Anthony fixed our faucet so I have a sprayer and stream on it to do dishes. I appreciate the little things he does around the house for me.

This is our DVD collection that we have aquired over the last 2 years together as well as bringing our own collections before we were together. We are pretty proud of our movie tastes!

This is my amazing dining room table that I love. Anthony and I picked this out together and we love having our meals at it. This is the first picture of it on here because it has been in the part of the house that wasn't completely moved in yet. :)

This is my awesome new bookcase that my boyfriend put together just for me. I have displayed some Turtles on it and I am having a blast organizing it. I love my books!

Stranger than fiction.

So today I went back to work after being off for 4 days sick. My diabetes has been a little stubborn lately and I think it's due to a kidney infection I have been fighting. I feel a bit better today though even though my house was about 90 degrees last night and I couldn't sleep a wink. Anthony escorted me to work today on HIS day off to make sure all things were kosher. He sure does love me. I have it pretty good with my beautiful man. Anyway, after we got home from work ... we picked our nightly movie. Yes, we pretty much watch a movie or tv together every night. It's how we bond I guess. Anthony chose for us to watch the movie "Stranger than Fiction."

I am a huge Will Ferrell fan but seriously this movie was not his type of movie. I enjoyed the movie thoroughly and it certainly kept my attention but it was not the movie I was expecting out of Mr. Ferrell. The basic premise of the movie is this man is living his life when he starts to hear a narrator saying everything he is currently doing. Essentially he is a character of a fiction novel and finds this out. It was strange for me to watch this movie because I have always been an avid reader. I love to read and my place of solace is between rows and rows of books in the library. When I was younger, I used to think that I was a character that somebody was writing up. Believe me, there were many days where I was completely angered by my "Author."

In a way, we are characters in this novel. God is the author and finisher and to me this was a thought I had tonight as I watched Will Ferrell deliver a less than silly performance. God already has my ending planned out. He already knows what I am about to say right now and what my fingers will type before they type it out. He already knows what my wedding day will be like, what my children will struggle with, who they will resemble, and what the course of their lives will be. In the end of the movie, it was a beautiful resemblance to what God wants me to do. Will Ferrell finds the ability to just be ok with whatever the author does with him for the sake of the book.

In my life, I need to be ok with what my author does with me. I will be a bestseller if only I could let him write it without my interruptions.

Just a thought.

--e--

Five Days Away.

So in five days, Anthony and I will have been together for 2 years. This is the mark we both set up in the beginning of our dating life to say.."We want to date for at least 2 years before getting married." Now, some of you have said over and over "When is Anthony going to ask you to marry him?" Well, here is your answer. In five days, he has clearance. We have talked it over tons and tons of times in our relationship but it would seem that this is the point where we want to be. We live together now and that isn't something I was really for in the beginning but it was the economically sound way to do things. We discussed the options of when to get married back then and it seemed right. So, we are going to be moving on that topic very very soon.

I thought I should blog today and just say..What a magical two years! Here is to a zillion more.

Leaving the safe house.

So, as I have posted before, I have decided to quit my job effective August 1st. This is both exciting and absolutely sad for me. I have lived with Chris and his father for 4 years and moved out 2 months ago into my wonderful apartment with the gorgeous boyfriend you now see on this page. We have really enjoyed the move and changing our lives in this way, however, there is this saddness that still sits in my spirit. We are now interviewing people to take my position and I find myself getting possessive. I find myself getting jealous, insecure, challenged, and sad. I don't like any of the girls who are applying because I am not sure if they are the right one for the job. I don't want them to bond with Chris or his father the way I did. I want them to be less than I was for fear that I will be replaced.

I realized that this fear of being replaced comes from years of feeling this way. The obvious one is when my dad left and made a "new family" with Jane and Tasha. I loved Jane and I love Tasha but the replacement feeling as a little girl can be overwhelming. Another time I felt this way was when my ex and I broke up after 6 years together and he had a new girl in his life in literally a month. I kind of feel this ache in my heart and this recording that plays "you are easily replaced!" This is a horrible message to get when you are leaving something in your life. I know that leaving this job is the RIGHT thing for me to do but it isn't the easy thing for me to do.

Also, there is this other feeling that is bothering me upon leaving this position. This is the first house I lived in where I felt safe. Now, I don't mean that I lived in the ghetto all of my life with gunshots ringing out or sirens 24/7. I mean, I felt safe emotionally in this house. In my house growing up, there was no safety. There wasn't a moment where you felt that you were secure emotionally. In one moment, I could have been playing with my tape recorder in my room and the next minute be told to clean the house and I was worthless. I was told all of my faults on a daily basis and ostracized for things I didn't have, yet would develop over time. (re: weight problem) I was "spanked" (aka BEAT) for the slightest mistakes and nothing was quite good enough. I wonder why I'm insecure!?

Also, there is this sense in this job where I feel VALUABLE! I know that I should have felt this way numerous times in the past but to be honest, I just haven't. I feel valuable in my sisters' lives but that is pretty much the extent of it and that has taken years of development. I feel valuable to Anthony but obviously only over the last 2 years since that is the span of our relationship. This job made me feel needed, respected, admired, valuable, and talented. I am going to miss those feelings. Now that I know those feelings, I realize just how priceless they are! I long for them in other areas and relationships and in some of these, I just won't get it. I have to accept that.

Anyway, this post is a bit emotional for me but I had to get it out for now so I could move on with my day and work there as I come down to the last month and 1/2. I am nervous, how will I feel once it's over?!

--e--

He's cute and he's mine!

Sometimes I get this urge to just talk about my blessings. Anthony is one of my greatest blessings. For those of you who know a great deal about my prior dating past, you also know that Anthony is a breath of fresh air. Yesterday, I realized just how great he is. There has been this issue that has been with me for some time. I would dare to say YEARS. I am a control freak. I am this way in everything I do. I am this way in how I clean, organize, do homework, have relationships, etc... There is very little that I leave to "fate" to figure out. I would plan spontaneity and think nothing of it.

I am certainly in a growing place in my life. I am getting ready to be done with Grad School in a year, have a new place and love it dearly, talking very seriously about marriage, starting to think about children, and attending therapy every time I can, to get over some of the childhood things. I was in group therapy on Thursday and this issue got brought up. It turns out that one of my co-groupers has a spouse with a similar issue. As I listened to this person talk about their pain, I realized what Anthony has to deal with. After therapy I immediately called him and talked it out with him with many apologies and realized IT HAS TO STOP. I am going to let go of all of this control. I want to love Anthony with everything I am. Doing that requires me to shut up and let him do some things to. I trust him implicitly, why oh why can't I let go? I hate control yet I sure do love it. It's an old friend

I just wanted to say I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND and can't wait to marry him!

--e--