A cute little movie

Anthony and I went on a date last night to see the awesome new Disney movie Wall-E. It was precious and gives you a lot to think about. I love going out with Anthony because we have so much fun and he shows me so much attention and affection. I am a lucky girl and the movie was good too! :)

Regression

I just wanted to wear pigtails. So I did!

Anniversary Pictures

This is me at the Melting Pot with a great glass of wine and a huge smile!

Here is Anthony being serious about his skewer fork.

My handsome prince on our big day!

The happy couple in the Melting Pot.

Again, just another angle.

Our awesome cheese fondue

Our beautiful assortment of meats we cooked.

The two year celebration details.

I wanted to get on here and talk about our 2 year anniversary today because it was so special. We really kind of celebrated for two days since Anthony got both the 25th and 26th off work for it. We decided that we both wanted to eat dinner at the Melting Pot to celebrate. We had never been there and it was something we both had heard a lot about and it sounded right up our alley. We also got each other gifts and exchanged some early and some at the dinner. I got Anthony a Dolce and Gabanna Diamond Watch, I made him a digital scrapbook of our last 2 years and got it bound, and then bought a ton of little gifts and themed them in a romantic way to give to him on Wednesday.

Anthony's gifts to me were spectacular. First, he got me a bottle of coach perfume which I really wanted. The bottle is so cute and the perfume smells like heaven. I have been wearing J'dore by Christian Dior for about 2 years so it was time for a new smell. Then, he got me a coach keychain which is a pink leather "E" to hook to my coach purse. It is adorable. At dinner, I was surprised the greatest because Anthony got all dressed up in a suit and tie for me and it was the exact colors and style I want him to wear for our wedding. It was such a precious gesture. I will be posting pictures as my next post. After that, we had the marvelous dinner and Anthony gave me a gift card to Lane Bryant *my favorite clothing store*, a gift card for DSW *LARGE shoe store near our house*, 2 tickets to see Love Guru, and 2 tickets to see Wal-E *the new disney film* We are going to see Wal-E tonight after we both work. The Love Guru will be another day this weekend.

It was such a great anniversary and we were able to really express to each other where we were in the relationship and how happy we were to be there. It was probably one of my favorite days of the last 2 years although they have all been filled with a lot of happiness.

Happy Anniversary to US! :)

Beauty, defined by Erica.

Knowing where God wants you to be, and being there.







Beautiful wildlife in Dana Point.








Remembering those we love who have passed is beautiful.








A beautiful FULL tank of gas.








A beautiful flower








The grill of a beautiful 300.

Me, bathed in books.

Just a few pictures of me recently, posing in front of my lovelies. (My books)

My Bald Knight In Dark Brown Skin!

I love this man! That's it --e--

Mr. Fix It and new developments on the homefront.

This is my most precious new thing in the house. This is my picture of my grandpa and my BA degree hanging proudly on our wall. These were the first items to get hung in our house. I love Anthony for caring about the things that are important to me.

Anthony is 6'2" and the old shower head made it very hard for him to shower and I didn't like the way it worked either. He put a new one in for us the other day and I had to take a picture of it working because I am so grateful for him.

Anthony just hung these frames in the living room and I love them. They have random pictures of us in them and he hung them straight as an arrow. I love Anthony's strengths.

I know this isn't a big deal but Anthony fixed our faucet so I have a sprayer and stream on it to do dishes. I appreciate the little things he does around the house for me.

This is our DVD collection that we have aquired over the last 2 years together as well as bringing our own collections before we were together. We are pretty proud of our movie tastes!

This is my amazing dining room table that I love. Anthony and I picked this out together and we love having our meals at it. This is the first picture of it on here because it has been in the part of the house that wasn't completely moved in yet. :)

This is my awesome new bookcase that my boyfriend put together just for me. I have displayed some Turtles on it and I am having a blast organizing it. I love my books!

Stranger than fiction.

So today I went back to work after being off for 4 days sick. My diabetes has been a little stubborn lately and I think it's due to a kidney infection I have been fighting. I feel a bit better today though even though my house was about 90 degrees last night and I couldn't sleep a wink. Anthony escorted me to work today on HIS day off to make sure all things were kosher. He sure does love me. I have it pretty good with my beautiful man. Anyway, after we got home from work ... we picked our nightly movie. Yes, we pretty much watch a movie or tv together every night. It's how we bond I guess. Anthony chose for us to watch the movie "Stranger than Fiction."

I am a huge Will Ferrell fan but seriously this movie was not his type of movie. I enjoyed the movie thoroughly and it certainly kept my attention but it was not the movie I was expecting out of Mr. Ferrell. The basic premise of the movie is this man is living his life when he starts to hear a narrator saying everything he is currently doing. Essentially he is a character of a fiction novel and finds this out. It was strange for me to watch this movie because I have always been an avid reader. I love to read and my place of solace is between rows and rows of books in the library. When I was younger, I used to think that I was a character that somebody was writing up. Believe me, there were many days where I was completely angered by my "Author."

In a way, we are characters in this novel. God is the author and finisher and to me this was a thought I had tonight as I watched Will Ferrell deliver a less than silly performance. God already has my ending planned out. He already knows what I am about to say right now and what my fingers will type before they type it out. He already knows what my wedding day will be like, what my children will struggle with, who they will resemble, and what the course of their lives will be. In the end of the movie, it was a beautiful resemblance to what God wants me to do. Will Ferrell finds the ability to just be ok with whatever the author does with him for the sake of the book.

In my life, I need to be ok with what my author does with me. I will be a bestseller if only I could let him write it without my interruptions.

Just a thought.

--e--

Five Days Away.

So in five days, Anthony and I will have been together for 2 years. This is the mark we both set up in the beginning of our dating life to say.."We want to date for at least 2 years before getting married." Now, some of you have said over and over "When is Anthony going to ask you to marry him?" Well, here is your answer. In five days, he has clearance. We have talked it over tons and tons of times in our relationship but it would seem that this is the point where we want to be. We live together now and that isn't something I was really for in the beginning but it was the economically sound way to do things. We discussed the options of when to get married back then and it seemed right. So, we are going to be moving on that topic very very soon.

I thought I should blog today and just say..What a magical two years! Here is to a zillion more.

Leaving the safe house.

So, as I have posted before, I have decided to quit my job effective August 1st. This is both exciting and absolutely sad for me. I have lived with Chris and his father for 4 years and moved out 2 months ago into my wonderful apartment with the gorgeous boyfriend you now see on this page. We have really enjoyed the move and changing our lives in this way, however, there is this saddness that still sits in my spirit. We are now interviewing people to take my position and I find myself getting possessive. I find myself getting jealous, insecure, challenged, and sad. I don't like any of the girls who are applying because I am not sure if they are the right one for the job. I don't want them to bond with Chris or his father the way I did. I want them to be less than I was for fear that I will be replaced.

I realized that this fear of being replaced comes from years of feeling this way. The obvious one is when my dad left and made a "new family" with Jane and Tasha. I loved Jane and I love Tasha but the replacement feeling as a little girl can be overwhelming. Another time I felt this way was when my ex and I broke up after 6 years together and he had a new girl in his life in literally a month. I kind of feel this ache in my heart and this recording that plays "you are easily replaced!" This is a horrible message to get when you are leaving something in your life. I know that leaving this job is the RIGHT thing for me to do but it isn't the easy thing for me to do.

Also, there is this other feeling that is bothering me upon leaving this position. This is the first house I lived in where I felt safe. Now, I don't mean that I lived in the ghetto all of my life with gunshots ringing out or sirens 24/7. I mean, I felt safe emotionally in this house. In my house growing up, there was no safety. There wasn't a moment where you felt that you were secure emotionally. In one moment, I could have been playing with my tape recorder in my room and the next minute be told to clean the house and I was worthless. I was told all of my faults on a daily basis and ostracized for things I didn't have, yet would develop over time. (re: weight problem) I was "spanked" (aka BEAT) for the slightest mistakes and nothing was quite good enough. I wonder why I'm insecure!?

Also, there is this sense in this job where I feel VALUABLE! I know that I should have felt this way numerous times in the past but to be honest, I just haven't. I feel valuable in my sisters' lives but that is pretty much the extent of it and that has taken years of development. I feel valuable to Anthony but obviously only over the last 2 years since that is the span of our relationship. This job made me feel needed, respected, admired, valuable, and talented. I am going to miss those feelings. Now that I know those feelings, I realize just how priceless they are! I long for them in other areas and relationships and in some of these, I just won't get it. I have to accept that.

Anyway, this post is a bit emotional for me but I had to get it out for now so I could move on with my day and work there as I come down to the last month and 1/2. I am nervous, how will I feel once it's over?!

--e--

He's cute and he's mine!

Sometimes I get this urge to just talk about my blessings. Anthony is one of my greatest blessings. For those of you who know a great deal about my prior dating past, you also know that Anthony is a breath of fresh air. Yesterday, I realized just how great he is. There has been this issue that has been with me for some time. I would dare to say YEARS. I am a control freak. I am this way in everything I do. I am this way in how I clean, organize, do homework, have relationships, etc... There is very little that I leave to "fate" to figure out. I would plan spontaneity and think nothing of it.

I am certainly in a growing place in my life. I am getting ready to be done with Grad School in a year, have a new place and love it dearly, talking very seriously about marriage, starting to think about children, and attending therapy every time I can, to get over some of the childhood things. I was in group therapy on Thursday and this issue got brought up. It turns out that one of my co-groupers has a spouse with a similar issue. As I listened to this person talk about their pain, I realized what Anthony has to deal with. After therapy I immediately called him and talked it out with him with many apologies and realized IT HAS TO STOP. I am going to let go of all of this control. I want to love Anthony with everything I am. Doing that requires me to shut up and let him do some things to. I trust him implicitly, why oh why can't I let go? I hate control yet I sure do love it. It's an old friend

I just wanted to say I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND and can't wait to marry him!

--e--

It's raining roaches?!

So the other night, I noticed this noise when I turned on the bathroom light. Our bathroom has a light/fan so when you turn on one, you turn on the other. I didn't think much about it until later when Anthony asked me if I had killed a cockroach in the bathroom. I immediately told him no because IF I had seen a cockroach in our bathroom, I would be screaming and running for the hills. I want nothing to do with such a creature. He then showed me that there was a leg, just a leg of a cockroach in our bathroom floor. I jokingly said "well, he's running around without a leg if there is!" thinking it was something else entirely. Anthony shut the door, did his business and then came out looking rather scared to tell me what was going on.

He quickly said "Erica, we need to go to Walgreens." Now, it was 12:00 midnight so I was pretty curious why we would want to do that. He wouldn't tell me and continued to persist that we needed to go. I soon learned that he had seen a cockroach or cockroaches in our bathroom and did not want to show me for fear I would move out. He is pretty smart because I certainly would. I kept asking him until he finally showed me that the people upstairs from us apparently have an issue because they are ONLY in our vent. I was so grossed out that my hair stood up on the back of my neck and I ran out of the bathroom gagging. Yes, I am a bit dramatic about bugs but c'mon are you serious?!

Now, I should note, I LOVE MY APARTMENT and it's really nice. I think that is why this surprised me so much. We called the front desk and they sprayed and all is well but it was just too much for me not to share. I am pretty sure I am traumatized! See pictures for location!

Good literature with a lot of similarities

So a couple of days ago while I was waiting my three hours of Drake Institute time, I decided to go over to Borders to do my case notes for practicum and when I was done, I had a little stroll around the store with my amazing Iced Tea with Splenda looking at "women's literature." I am not really sure what I think about this new genre people are jokingly calling "chick-lit." I think it sounds kind of demeaning like we have topics that only we talk about and somehow they are shallow enough to call us chicks. That being said, I found an author that I really like in this genre and I can't get enough of her books. Her name is Jennifer Weiner and she has written some of the most thought provoking books for me. I read "In her shoes" before the movie came out with Cameron Diaz in it and really enjoyed it. I then read "Little Earthquakes" and I really felt connected to one of the characters. That day in borders, I saw her name gleaming from the shelf and I thought I would give her another try. This time, I chose the book "Good in Bed" that she wrote in 2001, my favorite year as you have read in previous posts.

This book has amazed me. I ended up finishing it tonight laying in bed listening to the familar sounds of my boyfriend's snores and enjoyed it to the very last page, even reading the commentary following it, the book club discussion questions, and the interview with the author. I love this book. It would be minimizing it to say I have a lot in common with the main character Cannie. She is so much like me. I decided to give you a list of Cannie and my similiarities so you can see why I was a bit perplexed.

• Cannie is Jewish.


• Cannie is plus size.


• Cannie is brunette.


• Cannie has green eyes.


• Cannie has a skinny best friend. (Love you Heather)


• Cannie is a writer (I like to call myself a writer)


• Cannie wears Doc Martens.


• Cannie is very quickly replaced by her ex-boyfriend.


• Cannie's father left when she was young.


• Cannie is the "smart one" in the family.


• Cannie has a hard time with her weight issue.


• Cannie is extremely passionate about food.


• Cannie loves good books.


• Cannie finds the love of someone wonderful who loves her regardless of size.


• Cannie likes Iced coffee.

There are probably more similiarities and I am missing them but this book really grabbed me. I read it in 3 days and literally got lost in its pages. It brought some insight to me as well. Cannie takes opportunities to care for herself, set boundaries, and do things that are good for HER. I was proud of her and then realized that through her, I am proud of me. I cared so much about what happened to this character. I found out at the end, there is a sequel and my plus size wonderful booty is going to be going to Borders tomorrow to pick it up. I was moved by a book again. It's been a while with Grad School. I remember now what I need to get back to. My true loves.

I am so grateful tonight for the passions that I have and that I am coming out of the numbness of bad boundaries to see that I am still here, ready to be cared for. Tonight, Anthony and I had the "talk" that all couples eventually have about the time frame of a wedding/marriage. Things are looking good and I am praying that God does his perfect will in the timing. He loves us and I know he is looking out for me. My heart will get better. Patience is what I am going to practice.

The many pleasures of being Anthony's girl.

Tonight Anthony and I went to cheer me up by having great burgers at Fuddrucker's and then we went to this great little place co-discovered by my prince and my favorite guy friend Josh. It is called Nickel Nickel and if there is any place that makes you feel like an 80's kid, it's Nickel Nickel. They have a bunch of free video games in the back that would make any 80's kid have a kool-aid smile. All of the other games cost a variation of nickels. Anywhere from 1 nickel to 8 nickels depending on the quality and type of game you are playing. I got a little obsessed with the one that you try to knock other nickels off and made some serious tickets there. Played a little frogger, Mrs. Pacman and Centipede and all of the sudden, the rain cloud following me around wasn't so dark.

I have a great boyfriend who makes good coffee, good pancakes, and kisses like he went to the olympics in it. I love him.

It's the little things that are so BIG.

Last night was one of the hardest nights I have had in a long time. I was graciously given some photos that broke my heart. My past has a huge scar in it that happened almost 7 years ago and yet it feels like a week ago. Now, it feels like it happened last night. I went on Friday night and saw the movie of the year, Sex and the City. I loved the series and literally spent an entire weekend watching them all on DVD once. Now, the catch is, this movie had an event in it that echoed my 2001 story. If you have seen the film, you are probably feeling sorry for me right now and to that I say...don't. I was 20 years old and had no business marrying anyone, let alone the man I chose. Almost 7 years later, 27 years old, and madly in love with my boyfriend of 2 years..Mr Anthony Lewis...I know it was the right thing. It was the right thing, however, it ripped my heart out and did a mexican hat dance on it.

That being said, I got photos last night of a certain someone's wedding. Yes, the wedding that I should have had 7 years ago. The same colors, the same groom, the same in laws in the front row. The only thing different, the bride. It wasn't me, it was my 2 weeks after a 6 year relationship breakup rebound girl. Now, I should say that they have been together for about 4 years now so she earned it, but it still felt so raw to me. It wasn't that I love her groom because the word detest doesn't even come close. It isn't that she took my spot in a relationship I had just left because my sympathies were with her even then. It was my wedding. It was my dreams. It was my little girl with a towel for a veil on her head fantasy and mine is ruined and hers continues.

I am here in this amazing relationship with my man who makes me strawberry desserts and calls them "the romance" *see photo* and my heart smiles at that. He holds me through the night while I soak his superhero t-shirt in my tears over a 7 year wound. He jokes around about how said idiot's wife looks like chewbaca and I laugh in spite of myself. He tells me that I am going to be a beautiful bride and that his love for me is real. I am still in pain. Seven years and the wound has festered. It is infected, inflamed, and might cause me to lose a limb or two. I am broken in this wedding spot. I can't find the wedding spot in me to be able to medicate it. All I can do is cuddle up on the couch and literally wail and lament as if someone is poking a stick into my heart. I have lost my dreams. He hasn't lost anything, including weight. I have lost everything.

Is it crazy that I still own the pajama pants I was wearing when I got the call that day saying "I just can't marry you Erica." I still remember the wedding cake coming into my house on rehearsal day while he stayed 2,000 miles away in California not having to deal with any of it. I am angry that he still hasn't dealt with any of it. My wedding dress is in someone's closet, stored for eternity because I can't bear to look at my $1,500 mistake. More than any of those frivalous details of a wedding, my heart has been on ice for 7 years. I haven't been able to go into a bridal shop or think about what I might want for my wedding. I have lied to myself saying I want a small wedding in vegas or the justice of the peace will do. He stole from me and he continues to. I need to find out how to stop allowing this thief to steal my dream. I need to heal. Everyone says that I have to grieve it. How long? I have been grieving for 7 freaking years! I am over grief.

Brokenness is an understatment today. I have searched my heart over and over and I know that the only thing I am broken about is that he gets to be happy and I get to be hurt. I get to worry that Anthony won't show up. I get to worry that I won't be happy on my big day because the memories will be too much. I need out of this. I begged God last night alone in my living room to just make it go away and he hasn't. I need him to free me from this awful pain. He is married now, it has happened. Soon he will be having the babies I should be having. Soon he will be a parent when he has no idea how he stunted my life. God, please make him pay. I can't forgive this and I want to. I want to forgive it and move on. It is just paralyzing for me.

Now, I am going to end this post by saying...Thank you God. Thank you for a man that smiles when anyone says my name. Thank you for a man who doesn't complain that he only got 2 hours of sleep for work because of my blubbering ass. Thank you God for letting me dodge that bullet. But God, help me! Help me heal.