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Monday, June 16, 2008

Leaving the safe house.

So, as I have posted before, I have decided to quit my job effective August 1st. This is both exciting and absolutely sad for me. I have lived with Chris and his father for 4 years and moved out 2 months ago into my wonderful apartment with the gorgeous boyfriend you now see on this page. We have really enjoyed the move and changing our lives in this way, however, there is this saddness that still sits in my spirit. We are now interviewing people to take my position and I find myself getting possessive. I find myself getting jealous, insecure, challenged, and sad. I don't like any of the girls who are applying because I am not sure if they are the right one for the job. I don't want them to bond with Chris or his father the way I did. I want them to be less than I was for fear that I will be replaced.

I realized that this fear of being replaced comes from years of feeling this way. The obvious one is when my dad left and made a "new family" with Jane and Tasha. I loved Jane and I love Tasha but the replacement feeling as a little girl can be overwhelming. Another time I felt this way was when my ex and I broke up after 6 years together and he had a new girl in his life in literally a month. I kind of feel this ache in my heart and this recording that plays "you are easily replaced!" This is a horrible message to get when you are leaving something in your life. I know that leaving this job is the RIGHT thing for me to do but it isn't the easy thing for me to do.

Also, there is this other feeling that is bothering me upon leaving this position. This is the first house I lived in where I felt safe. Now, I don't mean that I lived in the ghetto all of my life with gunshots ringing out or sirens 24/7. I mean, I felt safe emotionally in this house. In my house growing up, there was no safety. There wasn't a moment where you felt that you were secure emotionally. In one moment, I could have been playing with my tape recorder in my room and the next minute be told to clean the house and I was worthless. I was told all of my faults on a daily basis and ostracized for things I didn't have, yet would develop over time. (re: weight problem) I was "spanked" (aka BEAT) for the slightest mistakes and nothing was quite good enough. I wonder why I'm insecure!?

Also, there is this sense in this job where I feel VALUABLE! I know that I should have felt this way numerous times in the past but to be honest, I just haven't. I feel valuable in my sisters' lives but that is pretty much the extent of it and that has taken years of development. I feel valuable to Anthony but obviously only over the last 2 years since that is the span of our relationship. This job made me feel needed, respected, admired, valuable, and talented. I am going to miss those feelings. Now that I know those feelings, I realize just how priceless they are! I long for them in other areas and relationships and in some of these, I just won't get it. I have to accept that.

Anyway, this post is a bit emotional for me but I had to get it out for now so I could move on with my day and work there as I come down to the last month and 1/2. I am nervous, how will I feel once it's over?!


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