Saturday, June 28, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Anthony's gifts to me were spectacular. First, he got me a bottle of coach perfume which I really wanted. The bottle is so cute and the perfume smells like heaven. I have been wearing J'dore by Christian Dior for about 2 years so it was time for a new smell. Then, he got me a coach keychain which is a pink leather "E" to hook to my coach purse. It is adorable. At dinner, I was surprised the greatest because Anthony got all dressed up in a suit and tie for me and it was the exact colors and style I want him to wear for our wedding. It was such a precious gesture. I will be posting pictures as my next post. After that, we had the marvelous dinner and Anthony gave me a gift card to Lane Bryant *my favorite clothing store*, a gift card for DSW *LARGE shoe store near our house*, 2 tickets to see Love Guru, and 2 tickets to see Wal-E *the new disney film* We are going to see Wal-E tonight after we both work. The Love Guru will be another day this weekend.
It was such a great anniversary and we were able to really express to each other where we were in the relationship and how happy we were to be there. It was probably one of my favorite days of the last 2 years although they have all been filled with a lot of happiness.
Happy Anniversary to US! :)
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
This is my most precious new thing in the house. This is my picture of my grandpa and my BA degree hanging proudly on our wall. These were the first items to get hung in our house. I love Anthony for caring about the things that are important to me.
Anthony is 6'2" and the old shower head made it very hard for him to shower and I didn't like the way it worked either. He put a new one in for us the other day and I had to take a picture of it working because I am so grateful for him.
Anthony just hung these frames in the living room and I love them. They have random pictures of us in them and he hung them straight as an arrow. I love Anthony's strengths.
I know this isn't a big deal but Anthony fixed our faucet so I have a sprayer and stream on it to do dishes. I appreciate the little things he does around the house for me.
I am a huge Will Ferrell fan but seriously this movie was not his type of movie. I enjoyed the movie thoroughly and it certainly kept my attention but it was not the movie I was expecting out of Mr. Ferrell. The basic premise of the movie is this man is living his life when he starts to hear a narrator saying everything he is currently doing. Essentially he is a character of a fiction novel and finds this out. It was strange for me to watch this movie because I have always been an avid reader. I love to read and my place of solace is between rows and rows of books in the library. When I was younger, I used to think that I was a character that somebody was writing up. Believe me, there were many days where I was completely angered by my "Author."
In a way, we are characters in this novel. God is the author and finisher and to me this was a thought I had tonight as I watched Will Ferrell deliver a less than silly performance. God already has my ending planned out. He already knows what I am about to say right now and what my fingers will type before they type it out. He already knows what my wedding day will be like, what my children will struggle with, who they will resemble, and what the course of their lives will be. In the end of the movie, it was a beautiful resemblance to what God wants me to do. Will Ferrell finds the ability to just be ok with whatever the author does with him for the sake of the book.
In my life, I need to be ok with what my author does with me. I will be a bestseller if only I could let him write it without my interruptions.
Just a thought.
Friday, June 20, 2008
I thought I should blog today and just say..What a magical two years! Here is to a zillion more.
Monday, June 16, 2008
I realized that this fear of being replaced comes from years of feeling this way. The obvious one is when my dad left and made a "new family" with Jane and Tasha. I loved Jane and I love Tasha but the replacement feeling as a little girl can be overwhelming. Another time I felt this way was when my ex and I broke up after 6 years together and he had a new girl in his life in literally a month. I kind of feel this ache in my heart and this recording that plays "you are easily replaced!" This is a horrible message to get when you are leaving something in your life. I know that leaving this job is the RIGHT thing for me to do but it isn't the easy thing for me to do.
Also, there is this other feeling that is bothering me upon leaving this position. This is the first house I lived in where I felt safe. Now, I don't mean that I lived in the ghetto all of my life with gunshots ringing out or sirens 24/7. I mean, I felt safe emotionally in this house. In my house growing up, there was no safety. There wasn't a moment where you felt that you were secure emotionally. In one moment, I could have been playing with my tape recorder in my room and the next minute be told to clean the house and I was worthless. I was told all of my faults on a daily basis and ostracized for things I didn't have, yet would develop over time. (re: weight problem) I was "spanked" (aka BEAT) for the slightest mistakes and nothing was quite good enough. I wonder why I'm insecure!?
Also, there is this sense in this job where I feel VALUABLE! I know that I should have felt this way numerous times in the past but to be honest, I just haven't. I feel valuable in my sisters' lives but that is pretty much the extent of it and that has taken years of development. I feel valuable to Anthony but obviously only over the last 2 years since that is the span of our relationship. This job made me feel needed, respected, admired, valuable, and talented. I am going to miss those feelings. Now that I know those feelings, I realize just how priceless they are! I long for them in other areas and relationships and in some of these, I just won't get it. I have to accept that.
Anyway, this post is a bit emotional for me but I had to get it out for now so I could move on with my day and work there as I come down to the last month and 1/2. I am nervous, how will I feel once it's over?!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
- Cannie is Jewish.
- Cannie is plus size.
- Cannie is brunette.
- Cannie has green eyes.
- Cannie has a skinny best friend. (Love you Heather)
- Cannie is a writer (I like to call myself a writer)
- Cannie wears Doc Martens.
- Cannie is very quickly replaced by her ex-boyfriend.
- Cannie's father left when she was young.
- Cannie is the "smart one" in the family.
- Cannie has a hard time with her weight issue.
- Cannie is extremely passionate about food.
- Cannie loves good books.
- Cannie finds the love of someone wonderful who loves her regardless of size.
- Cannie likes Iced coffee.
There are probably more similiarities and I am missing them but this book really grabbed me. I read it in 3 days and literally got lost in its pages. It brought some insight to me as well. Cannie takes opportunities to care for herself, set boundaries, and do things that are good for HER. I was proud of her and then realized that through her, I am proud of me. I cared so much about what happened to this character. I found out at the end, there is a sequel and my plus size wonderful booty is going to be going to Borders tomorrow to pick it up. I was moved by a book again. It's been a while with Grad School. I remember now what I need to get back to. My true loves.
I am so grateful tonight for the passions that I have and that I am coming out of the numbness of bad boundaries to see that I am still here, ready to be cared for. Tonight, Anthony and I had the "talk" that all couples eventually have about the time frame of a wedding/marriage. Things are looking good and I am praying that God does his perfect will in the timing. He loves us and I know he is looking out for me. My heart will get better. Patience is what I am going to practice.