The baby journey....as of now.

I have hesitated to write about this on our blog just due to the personal nature of it but I really try to be genuine and transparent on my blog because it is so therapetuic for me. Anthony and I decided in October that we wanted to start "trying" to have a baby. When I came home after much deliberation in my own therapy, hours and hours of personal thought and prayer, and much brainstorming and said "ok Anthony, let's start trying" I thought that the decision was going to work a little differently. I have always had really good female health as in you could set the calendar by me. I thought that once we decided to stop taking precautions that I would not see another period for 9 months. I seriously thought it would be that easy.

I set an appointment very quickly after deciding to talk about getting pregnant with my doctor. My doctor was extremely enthusiastic and said that I was ready to start trying and told me to start prenatal vitamins and to understand that it would probably take between 6 and 12 months to get pregnant for a healthy woman my age. I then went to diabetic education and start taking classes about being diabetic and pregnant. The staff at the diabetic education center were not nearly as enthusiastic and wanted to warn me (and rightly so) that I needed to have good control of diabetes in every way in order to have a baby. I took their advice seriously and started eating according to their plan, taking prenatals, and treating my body like the little house it was going to be.

The first month was interesting and I thought for sure I probably got pregnant right away until the monthly visitor showed up and taught me something new. The facts are, I didn't get pregnant right away. I got onto the computer and looked at "What to expect when you're expecting" and did an ovulation calculator for the next month and planned my attack. Sure enough the next month came around and it wasn't long before I found out in November that once again, I wasn't pregnant. I started to wonder whether I was calculating right so I looked in my calendar and figured out that I do not have a cycle every 28 days but have one every 31 days so I had to recalculate for December.

I recalculated properly and went back to the drawing board only to see December come and go with not pregnant all through it. I felt like that was probably ok since it was the first month I really knew the facts but resolved that January would come and it would happen. I would get pregnant. We did what we had to do and then I started to get really sad. I started to have doubts about my femininity and started to feel inadequate about my abilities to bear children. I have no idea what convinced me that to not have a baby right away made me tainted or not good enough but I sure felt that way. Then about middle January to late January my little sister called and said "I am pregnant" and she didn't mean to get pregnant. Now, I love Britt so much and think she will be a great mama so my heart was full of happiness and then there was this little nagging pain in my heart that said "Maybe you aren't good enough to be a mama Erica."

So then the time comes for the monthly visitor and nothing came...for 2 weeks. I went on the two week mark to the doctor because all of the at home pregnancy tests were coming negative and I figured maybe I was like those women that test negative at home but just don't come out on a pregnancy test and have to do blood tests. Note here that I had never been late in 18 years of being "a woman." I was sure this one had stuck. I went to the doctor and took blood tests not only to determine if I was pregnant but also if there was something unbalanced about my hormones. It turned out I was not pregnant and nothing was wrong with my hormones. I ended up completely skipping my period in February and that was really hard on me to start to have hope and then to find out that it wasn't pregnancy at all.

Anthony and I went on vacation in March and really tried to shake off our disappointment by enjoying ourselves being married and having a road trip. We did not talk about making babies or family but just enjoyed being married and got back to where we "connected" not to create a child but to create intimacy. It was a nice trip back. We basically laid down our cares and concerns for having children on our road trip and promised God that we would allow Him to decide.

So here we sit at the beginning of May and we are not pregnant that we know of. I should note here that I am indeed two weeks late again but I know how that doesn't mean anything. We have not tested at home just because again, we are giving God the time to do this. If I am over a month late again I will test at home but it will take me 2 months of being late to go to the doctor. I feel like this is pretty safe as I am already eating like I am pregnant, taking care of my diabetes like I'm pregnant, and taking prenatals. This is the way that I have to sit with it to be emotionally not stressed or disappointed.

If you all could keep us in your prayers for God's perfect timing, that would be lovely.

Thanks,

Mr & Mrs.